Just another sucker on the vine

So it comes to this, a sad, yet necessary departure. A bitter sort of weak surrender. A long-delayed recognition that my reality doesn't reconcile with my self-perception. Yes, I own a 'hoover'.

Not just any 'hoover', mind. This is a gleaming mulberry 1976 Hoover TurboDrive Junior with one prior and now deceased owner. It's suction power was unrivalled for the decade of its manufacture and I note, with some satisfaction, its extended handle seems perfectly designed for platform boot wearers. Its action is factory fresh and its suction really sucks.

My initial temptation to road-test it immediately has been resisted largely because I have no carpet but were I not so hung up on the nasty paedophile echo of Gary Glitter's 'Leader' I might take it for glam-glide round the floorboards of my flat. There is sadly an additional problem here - I've got no floorboards.

My builder 'D'ya GetMe' Dave, is poised to sort out my structural deficiencies. This has involved long conversations about galvanised joist supports and penetrated Victorian slate damp courses during which each sentence ends not with a full stop, but a 'D'ya GetMe.' I'm getting on quite well with Dave - it's my first encounter with a construction professional and, having privately calculated that the work will cost me between 30% and 50% more than the quote and take 30% to 50% longer than the schedule, we have made a breakthrough - I have assured Dave I'm good for a grand and I think, at long last, he gets me.

So here I am with a mortgage, an artisan in my employ and the brand royalty of home suction devices. This was not meant to happen but at least I have resisted acquisition of an iron.